


The Discourse™

by Justacityboy



Series: it's a gotdamn Professor au [3]
Category: Falsettos - Lapine/Finn
Genre: Multi, PS, This Is STUPID, as i was writing this i was just like hhhh this aint gonna be good sis, i asked my mom about a lot of this so at least i used the word deliberations correctly, i have decided that i will be doing no legitimate tags for this one so ha, i have decided there will be no consistency in capitalization and punctuation of bottoms club, i know nothing about court and it shows, kinky restraints and how to use them on your local psychiatrist, my boy mendel's a HUGGER, so ha, thats all for now enjoy folks, theres no judge because fuck rules and the law
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-27
Updated: 2019-07-27
Packaged: 2020-07-21 03:42:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,405
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19995271
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Justacityboy/pseuds/Justacityboy
Summary: law and order svu minus the sexual violence





	The Discourse™

**Author's Note:**

> hey hi sorry i've been mia as of late but uhh here have this weird-ass oneshot that came from one (1) sentence in a discord server
> 
> (EDIT): I changed a part of this because a dear friend alerted me that it is in fact illegal by Jewish law to throw/drop a Torah and so I went "yikes!" and changed it ASAP. I sincerely apologise to anyone I offended and I promise to be better in the future. Thank you, and please enjoy the newly improved The Discourse™️!

Whizzer Brown had made a terrible mistake. 

“Pardon my French, but What the Fuck did you just say?” Cordelia was staring at him, looking like she knew exactly what he’d said, but couldn’t believe what she’d heard. 

He gulped loudly. If only Mendel were here to honor the Jungle Homies pact. 

“I uhh, said I didn’t always bottom…” 

Cordelia sighed loudly. 

“Great, now I’ve gotta have a trial and everything,” She shook her head sadly and reached for a notepad. “You’ll be representing yourself, of course, and Mendel and I will be prosecutors, and- ”

“Waitwaitwait, what? What do you mean ‘trial and everything’?” 

Cordelia looked up from whatever she was writing. 

“The trial to decide your fate in the Bottom’s Club.” 

-

“Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here today because of the lies of one Whizzer Brown. First, I would like to thank Marvin for bullying Callahan into letting us use the mock courtroom for this, but also, Callahan can burn in Heck.” All those present nodded in agreement. Mendel looked around, confused. 

“Is anyone gonna tell me what’s going on?” He pointed at Whizzer across the aisle. “Why is he on his own?” Cordelia shushed him, pushing his hand down and shaking her head. She gathered her papers and cleared her throat. 

“Now, you three,” She gestured to Marvin, Charlotte, and Trina. “Are our jury, and you may be called to the stand to testify as witnesses. Try to keep an open mind, though it’s obvious Mr. Brown is guilty.” Mendel was getting more confused by the second. 

“What is he guilty of? Whizzer, what did you do, homie?” Whizzer shrugged and opened his mouth to respond, but was cut off by Cordelia. 

“Now, there won’t be a judge because rules are for suckers. Now, I will give Mr. Brown the floor.” She gestured to the center of the courtroom, and moved to her seat. Whizzer got up, moved to where Cordelia had stood, and leaned against the judge’s bench. 

“Guys. This is ridiculous! The only proof she has is that I said once that I don’t always bottom! Plus, may I add,” He paused, looking down and shaking his head. 

“THIS IS THE STUPIDEST REASON FOR A TRIAL I HAVE EVER SEEN, AND I’VE HAD THE AVOCADO THIEF JUDGE JUDY EPISODE RECORDED SINCE IT AIRED!” He took a deep breath and sat back down. 

Cordelia stood up, a solemn look on her face. 

“Mr. Brown’s remarks all point to one thing.” 

She turned a whiteboard around, and pointed to the word “GUILTY” that had been written there prior. She continued. 

“It compromises the integrity of the Bottoms Club if there is a switch in our midst! We cannot feasibly refer to ourselves as the Bottom’s Club if we aren’t bottoms!” She let her words settle, then turned to the jury. 

“Could Mr. Derulo please take the stand?” 

Marvin froze. 

“I thought we weren’t going to talk about that.” He hissed. 

“Wait, Marv, your last name is Derulo?” Whizzer asked, terrified. Mendel motioned for him to be quiet. 

“Guys, Jason.” 

Whizzer looked at him. 

“What?” 

Mendel looked visibly shaken. 

“J a s o n.”

Before Whizzer could respond, Marvin cleared his throat. 

“JaSON dErULo.” He sang. 

Mendel fell out of his chair. Whizzer slowly turned around to look at him. Charlotte and Trina seemed confused, but horrified. Marvin was just staring into space, the weight of his sins finally hitting him full-force. Cordelia cleared her throat. 

“Okay, uh, we’ll deal with that, revelation, later. For now, can we just get back to the trial?” Everyone nodded their agreement, and Marvin took his seat in the witness box. Cordelia instructed Marvin to place his right hand on the provided bible and take the oath. 

“Delia, I’m Jewish, they’re Jewish, you and Whizzer are the only non-Jewish people here and even then Whizzer’s like an Arnold Palmer, he’s half-n-half.” 

“And what about it? I’m about to start quoting the People vs. Horton the Elephant on you so which would you prefer?” 

“I mean if you’re going to quote courtroom scenes from musicals the very least you could do is Legally Blonde.” 

“Shut your heck and swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, so help you God?” 

“Honestly Delia we could use a stapler instead of that freak ass Christian book.” 

A small book hit him in the face. 

“Sorry!” called Mendel, “I remembered I had my copy of "The Art of Not Giving a Fuck" on me so I thought it might be useful.” 

Marvin was looking at him condescendingly. 

“Since when do you of all people know how to read?” 

“Since I’ve had brain cells, Marvin. I learned last week.” 

“CAN WE HURRY THIS UP I WANNA HEAR PEOPLE ADDRESS MARVIN AS MR. DERULO” 

“Ok Whizzer, very cool,” Delia rolled her eyes and turned to Marvin. “Now, Mr. Derulo,-” 

“Can you please just call me Marvin?” 

“Mr. Derulo, sir, I am not about to lie to all these people!” She chuckled incredulously. “Now, let’s cut it right to the chase: Is Mr. Whizzer G. Brown a top, bottom, or switch?” 

“Well, it’s kind of a more nuanced topic, Whizzer isn’t like, say, Mendel, over there.” 

“HEY!” 

“Silence, bottom.” 

Trina was resting her head on the table while Charlotte patted her back comfortingly. Mendel started throwing pencils and other such things at Marvin. When he ran out of small objects he picked up a chair. Cordelia sighed and walked over to Mendel, pushed him down into his chair, then locked the built-in cuffs around his wrists and ankles. He struggled against the restraints, and when they didn’t budge, he laughed nervously, eyes darting around the room. 

“kInKy.” 

Cordelia just patted his head and walked back to where she could properly question Marvin. 

“Mr. Derulo, it is a simple question. Is Mr. Brown a top, bottom, or switch?” 

Marvin sighed, looked at Whizzer with a pitying expression, and answered. 

“He’s a switch, but-” “NO FURTHER QUESTIONS! Mr. Derulo, you may step down.” Marvin walked back to the jury area, mouthing “sorry” to Whizzer when he passed, and took his seat next to Charlotte. 

“Mr. Brown, you have the floor.” Whizzer stood up and adjusted his suit jacket. 

“I call Marvin back to the stand.” Marvin stood back up and walked to the stand, taking his seat. 

“Now, Mr. Derulo,” He rolled his eyes, “I feel as though you are the most qualified person to speak on whether I’m a top, bottom, or switch. Do you agree?” 

Marvin swallowed, noticeably nervous. 

“Y-yeah, I guess you could say that… “ Whizzer nodded. 

“So, could you answer the following?” Whizzer eyed Marvin suspiciously “Which would you say I do most often? Top, or bottom?” 

Marvin’s eyes darted around the room nervously. 

“I’d say you like to bottom significantly more than you like to top, but you’re open to either because you’re a horny bastard.” 

Whizzer chuckled and turned to the jury. 

“So, the prosecution is correct in saying that I don’t always bottom, but, as the expert has stated, it is my preferred position, and thus there is no reason to remove me from the Bottoms Club.” He turned back to Marvin. “You can go back to your seat now, babe.” 

Marvin smiled at him gratefully and returned to his seat. Whizzer walked back to his chair, smirking at Cordelia as he passed. Mendel cleared his throat. 

“I promise I won’t throw anything at Marvin, could you please uncuff me now?” Cordelia patted his knee and shook her head, glancing at him from the corner of her eye.

“We all know you’re lying.” 

Whizzer cleared his throat again. 

“Hey hi uhh I was just wondering WHY THE FUCK WE’RE STILL TALKING ABOUT THIS?!” 

“Yeah Delia, this feels like it should be a Bottoms Club issue.” Charlotte added, looking tired. 

“Well, since Mendel can’t make decisions, this was the next course of action.” Cordelia responded. 

“Will somebody PLEASE just let me out?! Trina?! Honey?! Please??? I LOVE YOU!!!” Mendel cried, voice reflecting his nervousness. 

“I love you too, dear.” Trina replied in a soothing voice. Cordelia picked up the chair Mendel was in and carried him to the corner farthest from the happenings, then set him down facing the wall and walked back to the table. 

“Trina?! Thatse it, ime gonna FUCKIN cry! And- and it’s gonna be all your guys’ faults!” Mendel cried, voice cracking towards the end. Trina sighed and got out of her seat when she heard Mendel’s lil sniffles. She walked over to his corner, unlocked the cuffs, and picked him up bridal style, carrying him back to her chair. Once there, she set him down on her lap, facing her, so he could cry into her shoulder. 

“Is he going to be alright?” Marvin asked, looking at Mendel uncomfortably. 

“He’ll be fine, you guys can continue.” She responded, before quietly comforting Mendel and rocking him gently. Cordelia cleared her throat and spoke. 

“I’d like to call Mr. Derulo back to the stand.” 

“I don’t think that’s allowed.” Whizzer called, closely inspecting his cuticles. 

“Yeah, well, I don’t think someone in the Bottoms Club should top but here we are.” 

Marvin sighed, but got out of his seat and walked to the stand. 

“Now, Mr. Derulo, your alleged affair with Ms. Wyndham has been going on for how long?” 

“Two years.” 

“And your first name is?” 

“Marvin.” 

“And your personal favorite role during sex?” 

“Bottoming.” 

He froze. 

“Wait, I- I thought you said Whizzer’s favorite position!”

“You bitch! You’re a bottom and you know it!” 

“A-HA! I knew it!” Cordelia spun around and pointed at Whizzer, who looked like he had just sentenced himself to death. “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, Whizzer Brown is, by his own admission, not a bottom! Thus, he should not be a part of the Bottoms Club! I rest my case.” 

Whizzer remained in his chair, but addressed the jury. 

“Ladies and gentlemen, you’ve heard a lot, and seen a lot, and experienced a lot. But I want you to focus on the consequences of your decision. I don’t want to be removed from the Bottoms Club, because those are my friends! I don’t want to lose the ability to spend time with them just because of some stupid trial! I trust that you’ll make the right decision. Thank you.” 

The jurors nodded their agreement, and left for deliberations. 

-

Marvin, Trina, and Charlotte filed back into the courtroom, faces solemn. Mendel had been carried back to his seat next to Cordelia once he’d stopped crying and calmed down a little, and Whizzer and Cordelia had been glaring at each other back-and-forth since the jury had left for deliberations. Trina and Charlotte took their seats and Marvin stood to announce their verdict. 

“In the case of the Bottoms Club v. Whizzer Brown, we have decided that Mr. Brown should remain a part of the Bottoms Club.” Whizzer fell out of his chair. Cordelia flipped the table as Mendel cowered in fear of her rage. 

“WHAT?!” She shouted, papers still floating to the ground around her. 

“We believe that the three of you have a good thing going, and none of us want to screw that up.” Trina chimed in. “Plus, you’d be replacing Whizzer with Marvin, and I’m near certain that that would drive Mendel to murder.” 

Mendel gasped in mock offense before muttering, “chef boyardee wouldn’t do this to me” 

“Baby, just let Whizzer stay a part of the Bottoms Club. You guys are great friends, and you shouldn’t let some stupid feud ruin that.” Charlotte said, pleading with her wife. Cordelia sighed loudly, and groaned in exhaustion. 

“Fiiiiiiiine. Fine! Whizzer, you switching bastard whom I care about deeply, you can stay in the Bottoms Club, on one condition.” Whizzer’s face fell. 

“What else do you want from me?” 

Cordelia leaned in close. 

“You need to help me figure out what the fuck Mendel meant by ‘chef boyardee wouldn’t do this to me’.” 

“Huh?” Mendel asked, looking as confused as always. 

“Nothing, buddy! Just keep on going like you are!” Delia replied, before spinning around and hitting Whizzer with a Look™. Whizzer returned it and nodded slowly, eyes wide. 

“Great! So I was wondering, could we all go the FUCK home now?!” Marvin asked, clapping his hands together as he stood up. Mendel ran at him and tackled him. No one made a move to help. Whizzer got up and opened his arms to Delia. 

“We’re gonna hug.” 

“Absolutely not.” 

“Can you feel it? The universe pushing us together?” 

“I don’t know what you’re on but you could at least ask me if I want some.” 

He wrapped his arms around her and she stood, stock still, waiting for him to be done. Mendel was now laying on top of Marvin, hugging him. Trina and Charlotte were Gone. Delia looked up at Whizzer, who was still hugging her tightly. 

“Are you done?” 

“I don’t know, are you?” 

She kicked his shin. 

“FUCK!” He fell to the ground. Cordelia took this opportunity to grab her things and run, leaving complete destruction in her wake. Whizzer got up and vaulted over multiple tables before sprinting through the doorway. 

Cordelia’s disembodied voice is heard yelling, “I’M GOING BACK TO GEORGIA” 

“YOU CAN’T HIDE FROM ME IN THE STATE OF ASS FRUIT, CORDELIA” Whizzer yelled as he rounded the corner, skidding down the hallway as he sprinted after her. 

The camera pans to show Marvin laying flat on his back on the floor. He is staring straight up at the ceiling, unblinking, his face conveying no known emotions. Mendel is laying on top of him, completely wrapped around his torso, his head resting on Marvin’s chest. 

“hhhhnnn,,,,,,,,,” Mendel groaned. “You’re soft. Very soft. A soft man. And squishy. Did I mention that you’re squishy? No, wait, not squishy. Squitchy. Very important distinction.” 

Marvin lost his staring contest with the ceiling. 

“Okay buddy, I’m gonna get up, then I’m gonna bring you to your wife so that she can make sure your body hasn’t finally shut down, okay? How does that sound?” Mendel yawned, and pulled Marvin closer. 

“That sounds really good! Also! Did you know! That I love you!” Marvin chuckled. 

“Yeah buddy, I love you too.” 

With some effort, he stood up. 

“Say! While we’re at it, could you tell me your credit card and social security numbers?” 

“Sure! My credit card information is-”

**Author's Note:**

> so you made it through this fucked up roller coaster of a situation that probably should have been a bit more serious than i'm capable of writing
> 
> anyways if you enjoyed this, don't be afraid to leave a comment or kudos! it really is so greatly appreciated on my end, y'all don't even know


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